December 10, 2009

With the emotional turmoil of another failed relationship, surrounded by past due bills and an empty apartment that I just moved into, I drifted off to sleep at a reasonable time last night. I woke up this morning refreshed. No early morning phone calls from bill collectors. No phone calls from my mother. No phone calls period. My phone was cut off. On top of that, AT & T had the nerve to say, in their automated response, if I wanted to speak to a customer service rep I would need to call from another line. WTH? I have no other line. What if a job call? PANIC TIME! I went from refreshed to worried in nine point two minutes. I ran a nice hot bath and relaxed. I went over the details of my latest break up in my head. I pondered over where I can apply to next. Sitting in the tub thinking with sad love songs playing in the background doesn't actually sound like a nice relaxing bath. It wasn't. The water was anxiety filled, I need a job. After a breif conversation in my mind I got out the tub and started my day. I make up things to do to occupy my time since I don't have a car, a job, a boyfriend...hell even friends for that matter. I moved to Georgia with my now ex, looking for a fresh start, love and a meaningful career. In return I recieved heart ache, a room at my Soror house who is a GOD send and no job. I caught a taxi to Walmart today. I was suffering from wallaphobia; an anxiety filled panic state of mind from starring at the same four walls of your bedroom for too long. Yeah something I made up but I was determined to get out this house. I spent more than I should. I came home and watched the Ugly Truth on dvd. A great movie. Watching the extras made me want to be an actress, watching the movie made me want to be in love, paying for the damn dvd made me realize that I still need a job. My day is now coming to an end. As I prepare to watch the Ugly Truth again, I challenged myself. I challenged myself to let go of the past, to let go of yesterday and live for today. I challenged myself to get to the root of my being, by accepting who I am and accepting the hardships that I face. I challenged myself to persevere it all. I challenged myself to accept that another relationship has ended but the opportunity for a new lasting love has just arrived. I challenged myself to exercise more, cook more, write more, do more and be more with all of the free time that I have. I challenged myself. No I double doggie dared myself to do it. I dare you too!